I cant begin to describe the sadness that I have been feeling lately.  It is so suffocating sometimes. But on the bright side. Its raining outside, the air smells crisp..Reminds me a of a time when I was a kid and I was spinning in circles outside, with my tongue sticking out trying to capture the drops. The drops were refreshing and cool. I remember the air was warm, the rain was cold.  And my Grandfather sat on the porch laughing at me cause he thought I was so silly.

And remembering times like that, well they make me sad. I miss my family.  I miss the people who once stepped onto the path of my life.. some left in a hurry, some left after they created mass destruction. And most just faded into the background.

So now, to escape the sadness, I drown myself in smiles, hoping above hope that they will make the sadness go away. Wondering why the man who says he loves me acts like he is encumbered by me sometimes.  And im not sure what that is all about. I know he loves me, I keep telling me its the demons.. the ones that like to crop up everyone now and then, the ones who try to destroy my life.. The ones we call, Self Doubt, Insecurity.  I like to call them, Demons of the Soul.  Cause frankly, these demons do eat at me.  Everyday.  I take medicine to fight them away.  And that doesnt work all the time. So I go once, twice a week to speak to a Doctor who gets paid to care.  So I sit there and spew my word vomit, expelling the feelings that really weigh me down.  

Its hard to have a clear vision of the future when your past keeps popping in and out of your life.  The failed relationships, the images of what you were, the desire to be free to live your life on your terms. The gypsy in me is dying to be free.. Free of all restraints.

But then comes the rain.  The rain makes me want to run to him.. to bury my face into his neck.  To smell him is like going home. I feel safe when I am in his arms.. and to not be in them hurts.  Its a pain that I cant take.  Its like hot knives that bore into my heart. Every mile he is away from me, every night I say good night and not roll over and hold him.  Every morning I wake up and he isnt there, kills me.. It is killing my spirit. I keep telling myself to hold on.. just till Spring. In the Spring he will be here.. and we can make a life for ouselves.  

But then I have this insane sense of guilt.  He will be leaving EVERYTHING he knows.. his family, his friends.. for me.  And I dont know how that is going to effect him.. Him and I.   I know he loves me.. I have never ever doubted that, no matter what I tell myself.. My heart always beats out the inner demons when it comes to him.  In his heart he has never really belonged to anyone. He is a lot like me.  This is a huge thing to the both of us.  I know that he has lived with his ex's before.. I dont have issue with that.. but this is different. This is a ready made family.  With a lot of responsiablity.  Am I so selfish that I expect him to just give up everything that makes him, him.. For me?

What about his family?  I called him the other night, to say good night.. And his Mom answered the phone.. She called me *her*!  Why did that hurt so much?  I mean, really.  I love her son.. I adore him.. Aside from my Son, there is none that I hold with such adoration.. and she calls me her?  Blech.. I wonder if she was like this with his other girlfriends?  I mean, he wants to marry me.  He wants to have a family with me?  He wants to create life with me.. I am not some childhood sweetheart, I am the WOMAN he wants to spend his life with?  Why does she not like me?  And I know how she feels about how him and I met.. but really.  This is a different time.  And in a world full of people who are willing to hurt you and take you for granted, we found each other.. became FRIENDS and then found love.. its not like its some fluke thing.. I dunno.

I guess im going to go and stop moaning and groaning.. I love him.. and he loves me.. what more is there to say?

I have to say, I have a deep fondness for tattoo's.  I think that they are truly insight into the heart of the person who bares the art of another.  Its a deep trust to allow someone to mark your body with something that really is you..

So this is the one I am getting..

Have you ever felt like your destroying someone's life?  That no matter how strong your love is, that it wont make whats wrong with the other person inside, better? Try as I might, I have thought many times over that loving someone can make them better, but it cant.  And I have thought that if you loved someone enough, that things tend to get better over time, they do not.

I love my boyfriend. I love him with everything strand in my body.. but I cant make him love himself.  And how can you really love someone if they wont allow themselves that?  I wish that he would take the time to look at himself and see what it is that I see.  What it is that I fell in love with.  How his eyes are the deepest pools of brown and remind me of melted chocolate., they are so warm and full of love and promise.  How his smile is so incrediably radiant that it reminds me of sunshine and warms my soul.  How his laugh is so real and infectious. His intellect is amazing, he can be silly and then all of a sudden have a incrediably interesting and intelligent conversation that can stretch into the wee hours of the morning. How he isnt afraid to cry.  And I mean really cry.  His passion, his beliefs, his talents are non negotiable.  These are all the things I see in him.. Does he see the same in himself?

I know that he has been hurt, and he has hurt others.  And assumed for the longest time that his pain was his pay back.  And in spite of all of this he tried to find love again.. And fate led him to me.  And I do love him, I know he is moody and can be the most stubburn person that has ever been born.  I know that he is picky and a perfection.  I know that he can be the most self depricating person around.. But I also love him, regardless.  His flaws are what make him more beautiful to me. This isnt the distance that seperates us talking here.. This isnt hope speaking.. This is a person who is as flawed as he is and loves him with all that I am.  To me, he is a prism. So full of facets that each time he reveals himself to me, it feels like Christmas. 

I just wish that he would allow himself to see how beautiful he is..Instead of what he feels that he hasnt accomplished in life.

Here is a list of FACTS.

U.S. SPENDING IN IRAQ

Spent & Approved War-Spending - About $600 billion of US taxpayers' funds. In June 2008, President Bush signed a bill approving about 200 billion more for 2008, which brings the cumulative total to close to $800 billion.

U.S. Monthly Spending in Iraq - $12 billion in 2008

U.S. Spending per Second - $5,000 in 2008 (per Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid on May 5, 2008)

Cost of deploying one U.S. soldier for one year in Iraq - $390,000 (Congressional Research Service)

Lost & Unaccounted for in Iraq - $9 billion of US taxpayers' money and $549.7 milion in spare parts shipped in 2004 to US contractors. Also, per ABC News, 190,000 guns, including 110,000 AK-47 rifles.

Missing - $1 billion in tractor trailers, tank recovery vehicles, machine guns, rocket-propelled grenades and other equipment and services provided to the Iraqi security forces. (Per CBS News on Dec 6, 2007.)

Mismanaged & Wasted in Iraq - $10 billion, per Feb 2007 Congressional hearings

Halliburton Overcharges Classified by the Pentagon as Unreasonable and Unsupported - $1.4 billion

Amount paid to KBR, a former Halliburton division, to supply U.S. military in Iraq with food, fuel, housing and other items - $20 billion

Portion of the $20 billion paid to KBR that Pentagon auditors deem "questionable or supportable" - $3.2 billion

Number of major U.S. bases in Iraq - 75 (The Nation/New York Times)

TROOPS IN IRAQ

Iraqi Troops Trained and Able to Function Independent of U.S. Forces - 6,000 as of May 2007 (per NBC's "Meet the Press" on May 20, 2007)

Troops in Iraq - Total 153,100, including 146,000 from the US, 4,000 from the UK, 900 from Poland, 650 from South Korea and 1,550 from all other nations

U.S. Troop Casualties - 4,178 US troops; 98% male. 91% non-officers; 82% active duty, 11% National Guard; 74% Caucasian, 9% African-American, 11% Latino. 19% killed by non-hostile causes. 54% of US casualties were under 25 years old. 72% were from the US Army

Non-U.S. Troop Casualties - Total 313, with 176 from the UK

US Troops Wounded - 30,680, 20% of which are serious brain or spinal injuries (total excludes psychological injuries)

US Troops with Serious Mental Health Problems - 30% of US troops develop serious mental health problems within 3 to 4 months of returning home

US Military Helicopters Downed in Iraq - 68 total, at least 36 by enemy fire

IRAQI TROOPS, CIVILIANS & OTHERS IN IRAQ

Private Contractors in Iraq, Working in Support of US Army Troops - More than 180,000 in August 2007, per The Nation/LA Times.

Journalists killed - 135, 91 by murder and 44 by acts of war

Journalists killed by US Forces - 14

Iraqi Police and Soldiers Killed - 8,687

Iraqi Civilians Killed, Estimated - A UN issued report dated Sept 20, 2006 stating that Iraqi civilian casualties have been significantly under-reported. Casualties are reported at 50,000 to over 100,000, but may be much higher. Some informed estimates place Iraqi civilian casualities at over 600,000.

Iraqi Insurgents Killed, Roughly Estimated - 55,000

Non-Iraqi Contractors and Civilian Workers Killed - 554

Non-Iraqi Kidnapped - 306, including 57 killed, 147 released, 4 escaped, 6 rescued and 89 status unknown.

Daily Insurgent Attacks, Feb 2004 - 14

Daily Insurgent Attacks, July 2005 - 70

Daily Insurgent Attacks, May 2007 - 163

Estimated Insurgency Strength, Nov 2003 - 15,000

Estimated Insurgency Strength, Oct 2006 - 20,000 - 30,000

Estimated Insurgency Strength, June 2007 - 70,000

QUALITY OF LIFE INDICATORS

Iraqis Displaced Inside Iraq, by Iraq War, as of May 2007 - 2,255,000

Iraqi Refugees in Syria & Jordan - 2.1 million to 2.25 million

Iraqi Unemployment Rate - 27 to 60%, where curfew not in effect

Consumer Price Inflation in 2006 - 50%

Iraqi Children Suffering from Chronic Malnutrition - 28% in June 2007 (Per CNN.com, July 30, 2007)

Percent of professionals who have left Iraq since 2003 - 40%

Iraqi Physicians Before 2003 Invasion - 34,000

Iraqi Physicians Who Have Left Iraq Since 2005 Invasion - 12,000

Iraqi Physicians Murdered Since 2003 Invasion - 2,000

Average Daily Hours Iraqi Homes Have Electricity - 1 to 2 hours, per Ryan Crocker, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq (Per Los Angeles Times, July 27, 2007)

Average Daily Hours Iraqi Homes Have Electricity - 10.9 in May 2007

Average Daily Hours Baghdad Homes Have Electricity - 5.6 in May 2007

Pre-War Daily Hours Baghdad Homes Have Electricity - 16 to 24

Number of Iraqi Homes Connected to Sewer Systems - 37%

Iraqis without access to adequate water supplies - 70% (Per CNN.com, July 30, 2007)

Water Treatment Plants Rehabilitated - 22%

RESULTS OF POLL Taken in Iraq in August 2005 by the British Ministry of Defense (Source: Brookings Institute)

Iraqis "strongly opposed to presence of coalition troops - 82%

Iraqis who believe Coalition forces are responsible for any improvement in security - less than 1%

Iraqis who feel less ecure because of the occupation - 67%

Iraqis who do not have confidence in multi-national forces - 72%

And we are winning the war.  And if we are, at what cost?

I want to start this out by stating that I am proud to be a American. I am proud to have once served in a military that prided itself on being the strong arm with moral ways.  I cant say that we are like that anymore.

Today I sat and watched: Taxi to the Dark Side on HBO. I have never cried as much as I have today in a long time.

The documentry focuses on the torture that took place in Bagrham.  I understand and appriciate the need to protect a country from harm from others who CAUSE harm to us.  But that is no reason to EVER use that injustice inflicted upon us unto them.  Torture is against the Geneva Convention Law(s) that have been put into place.  And before someone reads this and tries to use that tired excuse of them not following the rules of capture when they capture us.  Let me riddle you this:  If your two children are fighting and one hits the other, is it alright for the other to hit the other to teach a lesson?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  There are reasons that there is a Military Code of Justice. Why there is a Geneva Code in place.

Beating someone, who is bound in handcuffs and shakles, is not ever justified. You have no rights under any Law to beat them to death. NONE at all. John McCain was tortured for 5 years by the North Vietnames in Vietnam war and many Americans today, view what happened to him as a crime.  But those same methods of torture are being used today on Detanees in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Let me list the forms of torture that they inflicted on Mohammed el Qahtani whos' torture took place from 2002-2003


Sensory Depravation:  To subject a person to audio and visual stimuli, which is designed to alter the state of mind to the point of hallucinations.

Sleep Deprivation:  He was chained to the ceiling and floor and was subjected to music that was so loud that he could not sleep at all. He was only allowed to sleep for 4 hours a day, From 7am to 11am. This lasted for 50 days with one exception.

"a sufficient lack of restorative sleep over a cumulative period so as to cause physical or psychiatric symptoms and affect routine performances of tasks."

20 hour Interrogations.

Was introduced to Stress Situations but the use of his fears (e.g. Dogs )

Invasion of personal space, by a female interrogator. This technique was used to shake his religious faith in Allah. 
* Female interrogators would run their fingers through his hair, along his flesh and would whisper things in his ears such as: Your mother is a whore, in his native tongue.

He was laid upon the floor (naked ) and was subjected to Female Sexual Assualt by female interrogators who would straddle him.

He was made to wear female lingerie and was then was accused of homosexuality ( which is a sin in Islam) and was told that his commrades were aware of his *tendancies toward homosexuality*

Was forced to dance in a provactive manner with male guards in the view of others, to depict the validity of their claims.

He was subjected to strip searches for control means, rather then security.

He wa forced to perform *Dog Tricks* while he was leashed. These tactics were implented to lower his personal sense of worth.

Detainee was given a anal enema, by force. Which is considered Sodomy under the Military Code of Justice.

Control measures were taken, by placing a Birthday Hat on the detainee and was subjected to singing of  GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Detainee was given 3.5 bags of IV. Which made need to urinate. This was to make him willing to talk.  He was told that *will not be unstrapped* In which the detainee urinated in his pants.

Interrogators removed his blankets and subjected him to cold climate condtions, but turning the Air Conditioner in full blast.

With the lack of food intack, sleep, dehydration. His heart beat dropped to 35bpm. Which can be fatal. He was rushed to the ER to have a CT scan taken of his brain and to be *revived*.



Other detainees were chained to a isolation booth and were kicked repeatdly. This caused one fatality. The ARMY coroner said the following: His lower extremties were pulpified. IF he had survived, he would have had to have both of his legs amputated.
  **Speaking in reference to:   Mr. Dilawar

Here is a quote from the Times:

Dilawar, who died on December 10, 2002, was a 22-year-old Afghan taxi driver and farmer who weighed 122 pounds and was described by his interpreters as neither violent nor aggressive.

When beaten, he repeatedly cried "Allah!" The outcry appears to have amused U.S. military personnel, as the act of striking him in order to provoke a scream of "Allah!" eventually "became a kind of running joke," according to one of the MP's. "People kept showing up to give this detainee a common peroneal strike just to hear him scream out 'Allah,'" he said. "It went on over a 24-hour period, and I would think that it was over 100 strikes."

The Times reported that:

On the day of his death, Dilawar had been chained by the wrists to the top of his cell for much of the previous four days.

"A guard tried to force the young man to his knees. But his legs, which had been pummeled by guards for several days, could no longer bend. An interrogator told Mr. Dilawar that he could see a doctor after they finished with him. When he was finally sent back to his cell, though, the guards were instructed only to chain the prisoner back to the ceiling.

"Leave him up," one of the guards quoted Specialist Claus as saying. Several hours passed before an emergency room doctor finally saw Mr. Dilawar. By then he was dead, his body beginning to stiffen.

It would be many months before Army investigators learned a final horrific detail: Most of the interrogators had believed Mr. Dilawar was an innocent man who simply drove his taxi past the American base at the wrong time.^[3]

This is a example of why the " War On Terror" has become the face of Genocide. There is no reason under these times, that people are murdered, for simply being of Arab or Middle Eastern Decent. Proflilng has proven to be *ineffective* and the number of person(s) this war has taken in the name of Justice is a sin.

I work at a hotel.  No biggie. But I work at a hotel that more often times then not is frequented by people who feel as if they are better then I. Which is utter bullshit.  Last night a hot water pump gave out at the hotel and there was no hot water till 9am today. Since they had to find a new pump.. so.  I have this *guest* ( and I use the term loosely) come to me at 750am, screaming.  And I mean, really really screaming about how he wants his room for free, what kind of fucking dive did he come too.. etc.  And first off, we are not a dive hotel,  we are 4stars.  But shit happens and yelling at me isnt going to make the hot water pump start working again.  Trust that. So. I just freaked.. I looked at him with a really cuntish look and said : "I would never come into your place of business and talk to you or your co-workers in that fashion.  So I suggest you either calm down and talk to me normally, or you leave." So, he left. Bastard.

So anyways.. im enjoying a nice cup of Pumpkin Spice coffee and a bagel with lox, onions and cream cheese.  And I am going to go for now and do some real work!

Catch ya on the flip side!

 So, I decided, enoughs enough.  I called my Doc and took myself off of all the unneeded meds. No AntiVert No Midrin.. Just my must needed meds. I think thats why I feel like im going to give birth to a alien. bleh.

On a high note,

Read my daily dose of Raymitheminx.com and got the balls to send her a email  In which she responded to me.  She is one fantastic fucking lady.  And I think that if you like someone who isnt afraid to be raw and real then go read her blog

www.raymitheminx.com

saw a beautiful peice of art today.  and I want to buy one of raymi's peice's for my place.  her whimsy is most welcome.



  photo curteosy of www.raymitheminx.com   artist: Raymi


saw this image on a card at the borders down the street.. I adore this.  So I picked it up and going to see if I can scan it in and make it larger!




was looking at some new pics for a happy birthday to me tattoo..back of my neck.. dont know yet.


going to go make lemon bars. dinner tonight is a lemon chicken cooked in a tangine



with garlic and saffron potatoes



and I gave Scottie ( my son ) a really bad version of Phil's ( raymi's boyfriend ) haircut.. cause it rocks.  But I did a shitty job. blech. 

  Thats my boy!  Little stinker!

I fell in love with the ghost of you.  The one that drifted in and out of my dreams for years. The one that sat beside me and held me in the darkest moments of my life. The one that would sing in my ear and give me reason.  The one that I would stare at for hours, wondering what it was that you were thinking. Why your eyes could set me ablaze or make me cry.  How there was nothing that I wanted more then just dive into the depth of your eyes and be lost.  Lost forever, If I could.

But you were not real. The real you was sitting there on the couch looking into the television, I could see the blank expression in your eyes. I wonder when I lost you.  I wonder *we* became a *you and a I*.  I wonder when touching you was no longer welcome.  I wonder when you touching me was no longer welcome. I wonder when you and I really died.

So I sat in the bathtub, the water pouring down over me.  I buried my head into my hands and let the water baptise me, praying it would make me whole again.  I could feel the weight of my reality suffocate me. I could feel the pressure in my head become overwhelming.  I looked to my left and I saw my angel. I looked to my right and I saw my devil.  My devil told me what I wanted to hear and my angel told me the truth.  I turned my back on my angel, held my devil and now I am in this ghostland where only our past selves exist.  And I am in heaven again.

 I wanted to give credit where it is due.. To my favorite artist, photographer, writer, human rights activist, animal lover, comedian and blogger: Mr. Matthew Good. Mr. Good is a Canadian artist, with a long track record of creating beautiful work.  I have been a fan for a few years, could kick myself for the years I missed. The title of my blog happens to be my favorite line, out of all of his songs. Suburbia  came to my awareness from a very special friend, so it holds a special place in my heart.  And has been a lifeline to me, especially when times are rough, I play this CD to death.  So Mr. Good.  Thank you.  Thank you for all that you deal with personally and professionally to bring forth your art.  It really means a lot to your fans! 

So if your interested in getting to know about this fabulous man go check him out at 

www.matthewgood.org